a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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