Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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