What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
