fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
