Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
