I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
