It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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