Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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