First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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