if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
