can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
