I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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