if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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