If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
