watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
