Ambien. No doubt about it.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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