dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
