My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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