Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
