I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
