he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize