what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
