We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
