my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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