I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
