i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
