guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
