I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
