I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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