Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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