it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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