??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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