I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
