News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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