If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
