You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
