my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
