i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
we're so committed to being not committed
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