There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize