i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
