hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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