I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
