If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
