so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
