Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
