If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
