i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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