you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
