She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i out mim tonsoeep
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