I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
