is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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