I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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