the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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