i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize