a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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