i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
