I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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