So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
