Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
